All Hail Martin Luther (The OG)

It's honestly not my goal to be offensive, but I can't help it. Its a mental, and sometimes verbal, tic. What will make you angry because I'd like to know so I can repeat it. I can't help myself, and that is not a good thing. So last Wednesday, Ash Wednesday, I notice people at work with ashes on their foreheads. And boy do they look ridiculous. How obnoxious we are, thinking that God gives a crap if we put ashes on our forehead? Which got me to thinking, I'm glad I'm (culturally at least) Baptist. The protestant religions are the best. And for a guy like me, who's not particularly religious, that's saying a lot. To show my great appreciation for the protestant religions, I'm going to unveil my top reasons it's great to be protestant.

1. FOOD! As far as I know, there are zip, zero, zilch foods that I am forbidden from eating. As a lover of meat (insert gay joke here), I find this exhilarating. I don't have to worship cows (I understand this may be more cultural than religious but bear with me), and I can eat pork. Bacon is delicious. My Jewish and Islamic friends are missing out. The swine is swell. So not only can I eat whatever food you can think of, I can eat it all the time! No fasting, how cool is that? Sure gluttony is still a sin, but plenty of church-going people are extra chunky. The late Reverend Falwell was no Adonis.
   
2. I'm not a fan of hats. I think it's because my brothers told me my ears stick out too much. And now I'm glad I don't wear hats because that's one less piece of clothing I have to buy (yes, I'm that cheap). So its great that, as a protestant, no head gear!
3. Christmas! Everyone celebrates Christmas, or at least they should. While I disagree that it's the best time of year (that's reserved for summer when women wear less, in my opinion), it's a pretty damn good respite from the biting cold. The Grinch stole Christmas, not Ramadan. 'Nuff said.
   

I think my rock solid reasons just might convert a few people. You're welcome Jesus.